I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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