Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
