I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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