It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
