I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
