sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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