No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
The beer is more important than you right now.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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