So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
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