I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
