unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.