This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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