Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
