It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
