Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
