she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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