I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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