I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
