He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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