my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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