that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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