There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
