even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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