Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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