there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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