you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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