I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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