I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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