My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
