I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
