I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
