you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
