I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
