I wish life had little blips of pornography
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
