Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Randomize
