i need an iv and a liver transplant
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Of course I have a pirate flag
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
