I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
