...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
