Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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