he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
