how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
