I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
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I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
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Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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