Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
