His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
did i walk over a car last night?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
