Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
ok first of all what the fuck
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
