I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
