I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
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