Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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