its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
