like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
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