omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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