He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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