I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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