I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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