I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
