That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
