she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
