i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Randomize
