Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
