Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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