yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
