too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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