I just threw up on my dentist
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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