i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
