so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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